Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Bargina-Dispatches From The Inside

Finding yourself approximately 272 months pregnant in the middle (beginning-ish) of August on the tail end of the hottest summer on record in years means that you sit down to work after putting your kids down for naps and practically start sweating to death with your heat emitting macbook on your lap and swollen sausage digit fingers.

I'm starting to get a mite crabby.

Other things I don't like about this stage: random strangers commenting on your "turkey timer". Because really D.I. worker, I just want you to take my bag of crap and let me be on my way to Sonic without talking due date and belly button status with you. See also, discussing cervical changes with neighbors, family members, church people, gas station clerks, and my grandma in particular. Oh, and Paul apparently does not care to differentiate between a cervix and a bargina (as my friend La Yen would say) and that dilation of one does not mean that both are grandly preparing themselves for the miracle that's about to take place. I'm just saying, I would appreciate it if you were able to stop telling others that my bargina is already dilated to a 4 and that the baby would be falling out any day now, because, nope. XOXO, I love you!

It is true that this season I've spent as a human duplex is coming rapidly to a close. And that in the next few weeks (days?), we'll be celebrating the 5th birthday of our first son, the birth of our third son, our 7th year of managing to stay married to each other, sending Paul back to school after having the summer "off" (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), and sending aforementioned brand new 5 year old to pre-school for another year as well. Not to mention getting that damn basement finished, both of Paul's parents' birthdays, and then Triple's third birthday a few weeks after that, and oh yeah-a newborn sucking the very life out of me. What can I say, I know how to time things. For the next five years we'll probably be celibate monks during the months of November and December in hopes of avoiding this kind of nonsense in the future. FINE WITH ME!

It sounds a little overwhelming when I lay it all out like that, but I was built to handle this business and handle it I will. Plus, I'm about good and ready to do some serious sniffing of this baby's fuzzy head, a small reward for the damage inflicted upon my large bod for the last 9 months.

Pray for my bargina guys, I don't need no baby falling out in the middle of the street.

Now let's do this.


Emily said...

Oh, how I adore you. Your posts always make me smile. Everyone needs a bit more Kalli in her life.

Carina said...

I'm not gonna lie, you are hella pregnant right now.

Nichole said...

O to the M Gee this post cracks me up every time I read it. Which is a lot, since The Old Reader likes to regurge your posts as new for me on the regular.

Vanessa Brown said...

I am going to pray for your sanity. That baby boy is done cooking, push it the heck out kalli.

Emily Anne said...

you are funny.

good luck pushing that baby out.
fuzzy head sniffing has been particularly delightful for me with number three.