Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Happiness Is Inevitable

Big Cottonwood Canyon, June 10th, 2012

I'm happy. 

Every night for the past 6 months I've gone to bed with a huge knot of anxiety in my stomach. Fear of the unknown, separation, stress over the cost of - everything really. Somehow and somewhere along the way I became a prolific worrier. I blame Connie. That sort of thing is genetic right?  

I still have that ball of anxiety but for a different reason. Now I'm afraid that things are finally going so good, that the ball has to drop somewhere. I had a lightbulb moment a few weeks ago when I was talking to a friend about how we went through this huge thing as a family almost 4 years ago. I realized as I was talking about it, that it wasn't even a big deal anymore. Enough time had passed that we could finally file it away under "crap that happened that one time". Same thing for the 5 months we spent apart trying to buy this house, and the year and a half before that spent dealing with a host of other people's issues. It's a liberating thing to finally feel like you're in charge of your life again, to let go of the baggage you've been carrying around for months and years. 

I'm being vague, and that's annoying. Let's just say I'm glad we are where we are; in this house with good (decent) jobs and tremendous friends and family. The point of all this is that I'd way rather worry about things going so good they couldn't possible get better so something will probably go wrong, than worry about how everything always goes wrong so how could it get worse, hypothetically speaking.  

You know?


Saturday, June 9, 2012

The Food In My Mouth Tastes Delicious

Never mind that it's 6:24 on a Saturday and I feel like blogging, maybe just be grateful that I'm sitting here in my underwear while typing. My gift to you is the visual in your head right now. 

Here's what I want to talk about: the fact that I can't stop eating. The fact that I haven't been able to stop eating basically since I got pregnant with Fatty 2.5 years ago. There's nothing wrong with this friends, nothing wrong because I work out enough that I haven't suffered any truly ill effects. My pants button comfortably most of the time, I can fit into all of the same clothes I wore before. The problem is that they could stand to fit a little bit better. The fact that the scale is still 10-12 lbs heavier than 30 months ago is a little bit disturbing to me. If I could manage what went into my mouth a little better, I know that number wouldn't be such a problem. Oh but Kalli, you say, it's nothing but a number. I know that stupid. But when you're tall like me and weigh as much as an average wide receiver it feels a little weird. The thing about being tall is that the weight just distributes itself to different places. I can fluctuate 10 lbs and still stay in the same size. It's both a gift and a curse. And I just love food SO MUCH. 

Well, I don't like it. Any of it. So I'm going to doing something about it. Maybe not Weight Watchers again just yet, but some calorie counting, vegetable eating business. I want to lean this out and get my sexy on (even more sexy, duh). Maybe I'll post my results every week, that seemed to give me some motivation last time I lost a significant chunk of weight (even though you can't really tell when I lose a significant chunk of weight). I guess I need to be held liable or whatever. 

My friend Whitney is the inspiration for all this btw, she's a total Betty after losing like 20 lbs by working her a.s.s. off. I dedicate this one to you Whit, cue music...