I always curse myself the next day for staying up this late because it translates into me starting tomorrow one step behind, which then snowballs into me doing the same thing the next day, ad nauseam. Someday this vicious cycle will end ( and one day I will learn how to spell "vicious", thanks stupid), but probably not anytime soon. Whatever comes out of this late night sesh may not make a whole lot of sense so consider yo'self warned.
I will be the first to admit that introspection is not my strong suite. Other people seem to have this deep connection with themselves rooted firmly in the valley of self-awareness and personal growth while I, on the other hand, am prone to thoughts involving onion rings and cookie dough/oreo shakes and how fast I can get both of those things in my mouth while worrying about the wrinkled laundry that needs folded and questioning if I can still fit into my wedding dress (right now, uh, no), while thinking about the cable bill I forgot to pay last month, oops. Some people have the gift of making momental connection and bringing things full circle; I have the gift of the garbled thought process.
But really.
It can be entertaining and confusing and frustrating, or a combination of all of those things depending on the situation. I find it most hilarious when I go back in my journal and read whatever I felt important enough to commit to paper and date; instead of reading how I was really feeling I can read about how I thought I was supposed to be feeling or whatever I censored myself to say in fear that my kids would read it someday and think less of me for it. I remember during the adolescent years how I felt guilty for ever saying I hated anybody so instead I would write things like "Jenny was really mean to me today, I strongly dislike her", which is ridiculous coming from a 13 year old. That's a brutal age for girls and I was no exception. I should have been writing about how I wanted to hang up the phone and crawl under a rock to die when the first boy who ever stuck his tongue in my mouth called me up the next day and asked if that was my first time french kissing because I didn't really seem to know what I was doing which, of course it was my first time french kissing, I WAS ONLY 13! Sorry mom, and yes, I did learn my lesson. But instead my journal entries from that time are full of "strongly dislikes" and "school was good today". Ugh, just like my teeth at the time, I couldn't be straight with myself if I tried.
I never can nail down exactly how I feel about anything aside from those times where my heart is literally exploding with joy from a moment of motherhood or wifery related nirvana (they happen every now and then), or when money unexpectedly shows up in my checking account. Joy is an easy one for me, I can do joy, I can also do relief and dirty pissed. Everything else? Not so much. Even sadness and disappointment get rolled in with things like irony and optimism.
Keeping track of my thought process and the resulting emotional conflict is more tiring than the actual experience itself. It's seriously exhausting being me you guys. I need help figuring out everything from how I really feel about high fructose corn syrup, why I have this nagging feeling I'm not living up to my potential, and most of all what the eff was I thinking when I chose my college degree? How did my kids get so cute? Is puberty going to turn them into mini-slagathors just like it did to me? Will we ever pay off our damned credit card? I should invent something really great, but what? Why is no one paying me millions to write crap like this, it's genius!? How am I going to survive next winter? Do I need medicated? Will I ever feel like an athlete ever again? I want to be a runner, but I seriously hate running. I need a coke right now. Man I hope my car makes it another 2 years. Why do I thrive on the teenage compliments I get on my outfits from the girls in my sunday school class? Is it because I never got validated on that sort of thing in high school? We're out of milk, but should I be feeding my family milk at all, or almond milk instead? That would go over awesome I bet.
Do I have answers or resolution for any of that? No. Well except for the HFCS question, it's made from corn and fine in moderation according to the commercial from the corn growers of America. Gospel truth right there.
Do I have answers or resolution for any of that? No. Well except for the HFCS question, it's made from corn and fine in moderation according to the commercial from the corn growers of America. Gospel truth right there.
Welcome to my brain.
ZONK
