Wednesday, July 28, 2010

in pursuit of stupidity

Annoying is when people consider themselves activists for causes that clearly

a. are blatantly trendy
b. have no personal relevance

Monday, July 26, 2010

the repro depot

HEY

What did you do last weekend?

If you live in the land of Zion like me, you celebrated the 24th of July, or Pioneer Day as it is known 'round heres.  In my family we do a 2-fer thanks to my oldest brother's birthday, this time only to have him give us a little present in return by getting my sister-in-law pregnant again.  That would make it a clean 4 for 4 in 2010-2011 for the siblings in my family.  I suppose we take the command to go forth and repopulate the earth quite literally.  I blame my parents.  My dad already had 4 kids when he married my mom and then together they made 4 more, rapid fire succession like.

No one ever said we didn't know how to party.

Other things I did:
1. nothing
2. ate
3. Bees game
4. ate
5. attended the world famous Fairview derby
6. blobbed around
7. jumped on the trampoline
8. watched fireworks
9. read a book
10. ate

I'd call it a success.

Friday, July 23, 2010

there was a girl wolf?

Last night we saw the Eclipse movie.

I'm still not sure why, except yes I do, Inception was almost 3 hours long and our kid needed to go to bed before 11 and we didn't plan that far ahead.  So Eclipse it was.

I'll save you my commentary recap other than to let you know the whole time I kept saying "I don't remember that" to which my shorter half replied "maybe it's because you skipped huge chunks of the book and read the rest of it out loud to me in mockery". 

Oh yes, perhaps that's why my memory fails me.

You know what doesn't fail me?

Movie theater cherry coke.

Every.Time.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

lowering the bar

I have a lot of aspirations 

lately none of which seem to be coming to any sort of fruition.

There's the baby quilt I haven't even started on, the bunting/garland thingy I want to finish before the Nub's birthday, oh yeah, the Nub's birthday... 
that stack of papers in my IGNORE basket that need filing, and a bunch of other crap that isn't magically disappearing or taking care of itself even though I'm directing all my mental energy that way.  

Yesterday I bought a pack of newborn diapers after realizing at this point in my last pregnancy I already had a serious amount of that stuff stashed away.  We didn't buy diapers for months.  I used to be a planner, I used to have everything figured out.  Then someone came and scooped out my brains and is probably using them for fertilizer somewhere.  Good thing this kid is already set for clothes and stuff because I'd probably try to bring him home from the hospital naked in a cardboard box or something like that.  

I'm kidding, I'm far too neurotically controlling to let it get THAT bad.  

Let's just say that for me, at this point in my life, I've let a lot of stuff go.  But, if you know the more glaring parts of my personality, that's probably a good thing.  

So maybe I should be looking at this from an entirely different perspective?  

This is an achievement Kalli, you are expanding your realm of knowing all things to include the unknown (what?).  

YOU ARE AWESOME!

Now if someone could just come and scrub this weird crusty stain off the couch that I just noticed, I think I'll go celebrate my rediscovered awesomeness with a nutella topped brownie.  





    

Sunday, July 18, 2010

pootastrophe

The family and I went to Draper Days last night.  It was fun, regardless of the fact that outdoor festivals seem to have this magnetic effect on teenagers, drawing them in like moths to the flame so they can stand in large groups in the middle of every major walkway and act like it's no big deal.  Next time I'm bringing a cattle prod because no one should get in the way of me and my $5 fresh squeezed lemonade, especially when it's 100 bazillion degrees outside and I'm lugging around an extra 20 lbs in my midsection and an extra 30 in my arms.  Consider yourself warned pubescents.  Loitering around in giant circles emitting your teenagery pheromones at each other will get you nothing but trouble.  Just ask everyone I went to high school with.

We didn't put the offspring to bed last night until about 11pm figuring he'd sleep at least until 8:30 or 9 the next morning.  

WRONG

I brought him in bed with us around 6:30 am only to have him hit me, and only me with vomit.  Twice.  Apparently kettle corn, lemonade, french fries and a snow cone do not mix.  Who knew?

Der.

Thankfully he took an almost 4 hour nap this afternoon but again cashed in on that small favor with a blowout of epic proportions followed by a rapid fire succession of repeated blowouts.

I never thought poop would play such a huge role in my life, but here I am, literally bathing in it.

Good times I tell you, good times.  

And now a photo demonstration of what happens when I direct my little poo shooter to "say cheese":


    

treats!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Pluto is my planet

I had this whole post written up yesterday and it magically disappeared, which really torks me off because anytime I spend on the computer typing means my fingers swell up like little sausages and that's just uncomfortable.  Plus I look like Will Smith from Hitch, well my fingers look like his face did, or whatever.  

I spent almost an hour on the phone with my sister yesterday.  I have no idea why really or what we even talked about other than astrological signs, how awesomely fat her baby is, some lady nursing a vicious toddler at the pool (apparently he gnawed on her boob like it was a steak or something), and why I keep trying to re-invent the wheel.  All important things I'm sure.  What I can't believe is the fact that I actually talked on the phone for that long.  Usually I lose interest about 30 seconds in and start wondering when the last time I ate was.  I have problems.  

Anyways,  back to the astrological signs part of our conversation.  My sister is a believer in the truthfulness of astrological signs.  Me, much less but oddly intrigued.  You shant find me saying something like "oh yeah he's such a Capricorn", or anything like that.  But I do like it when my horoscope says something along the lines of "fortuitous times are ahead financially!".  I myself am a Scorpio.  Le Hub is a Gemini (on the cusp?  huh?), Son #1 is a Leo and Son #2 looks to be a Virgo.  

What does this all mean?  I have no idea.   

Are you into the stars and planet alignment?  I suppose with my mastery of The Secret and all I should be more in touch with the forces of the universe so maybe I'll start brushing up.  

Tell me, what's your sign?  

Do you feel it accurate and why for?     

 

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

sweet redemption

I'll make this quick because my battery is dying in 30 minutes and I don't know where the charger is at this moment.  

I seriously hope you didn't take direct offense to the last post.  Most of the wedding annoucements I make fun of are on my mom's fridge and for some reason it brings me great personal joy to laugh at them.  Like the John Deere themed one ( a personal favorite).  Or the one where the bride-to-be was sporting hot pants and hooker boots.   Classic really.  I don't really withhold gifts, I just forget to bring one in the first place.  So maybe just be glad you didn't invite me to your wedding because apparently I'm a lame guest.  

And on that note, I'm sure I do a lot of things you likely find annoying and, heaven forbid, tacky.  In fact, I'll make a bullet point list just to make you feel better mmkay?  

I may perhaps...


  • have served chicken salad at my wedding, it's true, I did.  And it was good.  
  • wear leggings in public
  • make words up
  • think my kid is cuter than yours
  • own an obscene amount of black furniture
  • swear gratuitously
  • take my kid to the doctor's office with me for lady appointments
  • let my dog off the leash on public walkways even when there are signs telling me not to
  • don't always recycle
  • let my kid run around in sacrament meeting and act like I don't know who he belongs to when people start looking around for his mother
  • take pictures of myself and post them on my blog for all the world to see
  • have vinyl lettering or decor somewhere on my walls
  • own a "keep calm and carry on" poster, and love it
  • not wash my hair for 3 days and feel okay about it
  • let my kid watch t.v., sometimes all day, and in the car too
  • own a DSLR even though I have no idea how to use it really
And those are just a few things I can think of, should be enough to get you through through though.  

I'm sure you get the idea.  

xoxo


Monday, July 12, 2010

for the engageds

If you send me a wedding invitation and put your registry information anywhere on or included in the envelope...

it's likely you won't be getting a gift at all from me, not that you'll miss it,


because that is annoying

and also,

tacky

wedding invitation etiquette, look it up (or just click the link, I made it easy for you)


And please don't put a zillion pictures of yourselves on your invitation either.  One will suffice just fine.  I hope you're not straddling each other, or making out,  or only one of you is looking at the camera or something stupid like that.  

k thanks

Sunday, July 11, 2010

the one who keeps the wheel greased

That last post was cute, huh?  

Sometimes we roll sappy around these parts.

There is love people, there is love.  


I feel like I've been going mock 90 lately.  So much to do, so little time.  Run, run, run chubby bunny!  My light's been stuck on green without ever changing to yellow and heaven forbid to red.  
But in all that there's all this:

the carnival

portrait of Daddy by the Nub
right before that boy took a bite of pizza
spit it out on the floor
then got on his hands and knees and tried to lick it up
(almost) 2 year olds are awesome

me, sweaty and nasty
looking at a picture of...
me
(and Connie)

There's been Sanpete, and the mountain, my garden, and more drywall, sanding, and garage cleaning, and working my husband to the ground, and I love him and how handi-capable he is but he probably regrets everything he wrote about me in that post after these last few days months of slavery.

And mid-July here we are.  One almost 2 year old, one person growing another finding herself larger, hotter, more sweaty and more demanding by the minute, and another trying to keep the rest of us well fed, well cooled, and generally all-purpose happy.  

Bless him.  



Tuesday, July 6, 2010

shout out from the hub

As Kalli's Hub I just try to stay behind the scenes but today I thought that it might be nice if I told the blogging world what a wonderful women she is.  

I will be the first to admit that being married to me is no easy task.  However Kalli is able to look past all of my faults and loves me all the same.  She is truly one of the most remarkable women that I have ever met and I love her a little more each day.  I do not have the same gift of writing that she has so I do not have a lot that I can say, I just want her and the rest of the world to know that I think she is the greatest wife and mother that any husband or child could ever wish to have.

We Love you,

Hub and Nub.

Friday, July 2, 2010

and a happy 4th to you

I lasted until July 1st.

Then I flicked that blessed switch and remembered how nice it is to hear the click and feel cold air seep into the room, kind of how like pepto bismol advertises it coats your stomach but better and less chalky tasting I imagine.

Is nice, I like.


So thanks to not a whole lot of people for NOT spilling the dish on any secret fireworks watching places.  And here I thought you guys were my go-to.  Apparently not.  I shall ask my friend Google instead I suppose.  He never lets me down.  Is it weird that I give my search engine a gender?  No, because I assign everything a gender, even my cookie scooping pampered chef thingy.  Her name is Sally the Scooper and she prefers her cookies perfectly round and slightly underdone ahthankyou.  My car?  Male.  Hub's  Subaru?  Female.  Her name is Tina as in Martina Navratilova, famed Czech tennis legend, former spokesperson for Subaru and gay activist.

You make the connection.

And seriously, save the "you are a homophobe" comments for yourself because I love gay people, plus my husband's car is gay so I don't even know what your argument is.

Speaking of free to be you and me, Happy 4th of July almost!

In about an hour I'll be headed to this lovely exhibit/fundraiser featuring yours truly and my Connie along with a bunch of other attractive ladies, as well as making a pit stop here to find me some funnel cake and expose my child to carnival people for the first time.  We all have to come to an awareness at some point now don't we?