Wednesday, May 19, 2010

my dual nature

The other day my boys and I were walking into Paradise Bakery when we passed this girl who was about my stature except maybe a bit heavier, and sporting a haircut that sort of resembled mine from a year ago.  Hub said "she kind of looks like you" (for the record, she didn't at all) and instantly I shot him a look that probably would have killed him if I had that sort of power (working on harnessing The Secret for that too.  Eventually I will be unstoppable).  Seriously a bonehead move on his part.  Men should just learn that unless they're saying you look just like some incredibly hot supermodel/celebrity they should just keep their mouths shut.  

I wouldn't say I'm an overly insecure person.  I certainly have enough mental ammo to be, thanks to my traumatic adolescence spent as Slagathor the Snaggle Toothed Wonder Girl.  But that's all mostly fixed now and other than a persistent case of mildly obnoxious adult acne I think I've got a pretty good grasp on reasonably attractive.  Mind you I know my limitations.  I'm not a size 6, never ever and even when Hell freezes over will that ever happen.  I have rubby thighs and a nice collection of cellulite in certain special places.  My lady lumps are nothing to brag about though perfectly adequate, my nose turns up and I have nostrils the size of quarters, an attribute my husband is fascinated with by the way.  Also, sometimes I have a beard.  It happens.  

I'm a normal wo-man, woooooman (say that like on So I Married an Axe Murder).  

But I'm still a girl.  I still compare myself to other women on a daily basis, I'm still my own worst enemy.    

You can blame it on the media, blame it on social pressures, blame it on your adolescence, I do.  The truth of it is that I wish I weren't so quick to size myself up against others.  It's a weakness.  I guess I should just be glad it's not an obsession.  

I wonder a lot about how it will feel to get old.  I took my Grandma to to the grocery store today.  She's 87 and I wonder if when she looks in the mirror she sees an old person looking back at her, or the young woman she used to be.  I read the obituaries pretty regularly, it's sort of a morbid fascination I have with aging.  I look at what age people are when they die, what they died from, and my favorite part is when they include two pictures, one from their younger years and another more current.  More often than not people look nothing like how they used to and that is a crazy thing if you ask me.

I feel like I've always looked like myself, even when I didn't if that makes any sense.  Yes, I learned the magic of tweezing and received some special assistance in the form of braces.  But it's always been me, Slagathor/Kalli, one and the same.  We're obviously still all in here together.  Parts of me are always going to be physically and emotionally unattractive no matter what.    

Am I still going to be like this when I'm older?  Slightly paranoid and always a wee bit too critical of myself and others?  Probably, but I hope aging will have some positive effects on me and that magically I'll mature into a sort of self aware wise woman who embraces her saggly bits and diagrams the constellations formed by her moles for fun.  

Or not, that's sort of gross.   

A while back, my friend Sue gave me what I took as a compliment.  She said on her blog that I was "one of the very few bloggers I know who looks just like her picture".

Good and bad I hope that's always the case.  
  

17 comments:

Tay said...

I've been blurking here for a while now and I just think I need to tell you that I think you're a very good looking woman. And I say that as a fellow woman who judges herself against other woman.

Please let this further bolster your self-image.

And I'm jealous that I, with red hair, do not have a red-haired child when you, with brunette (the color I grew up envying for hair), do. Somehow unjust, but acceptable. I guess I can't have red hair and pass it on, too.

Keli said...

I'm pretty sure I have medication that helps take away the stress of the comparisons. At least it does for me.

But I still totally compare myself to other women, I just don't feel as bad about it anymore.

I've never met you, but I'm sure you're perfectly acceptable. I don't see any green ooze or snaggly teeth anymore, so I'm sure you're fine. In fact, I bet with your cool sense of style (those shoes and that vintage dress, hell-O), you would intimidate the crap out of me should I ever run into you, say at church or Cafe Rio. Let that be a compliment.

You're a spectacular wo-man. (I love that show, and I just watched it!)

We live in a Zoo! said...

Well now I am wondering if I look just like my pictures.......And would it be a good thing or a bad thing, lol!

Ashley said...

I think you're hot and seriously an amazing writer. The way you think and write cracks me up. Blair and I were rolling over this post! Love ya.

Brittney said...

You know, I just have to admit that when we hired you at Armstrong Flinders, all those years ago, I honestly compared myself to you and thought "Stupid hot receptionsit. Do we have to hire her?" You're so much prettier than you give yourself credit for. You're gorgeous. Inside and out. Cheesy? meh. Love ya

alexis said...

you're hot. and you're right, husbands will never learn. like the time i was shopping with my husband and i held up a pair of pants and was like, "do you like these?" and he's all, "those look huge!" and i was like, "these are MY SIZE!" then i ran away crying. yeah, men are well-meaning but a little dense.

Mrs. Organic said...

I love this post and Sue's right, you look just as hawt in person.

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

you're hawt!

kkrich said...

pretty sure that compliment means you are photogenic- which you are.

also- if you compare yourself to me, you might feel better on a daily basis- haha j/k, no but seriously.

TheOneTrueSue said...

It was absolutely a compliment. Absolutely.

Emily said...

You already know how fabulous I think you are. Let's make out.

rachel! said...

I like this. A lot. Thanks for the honesty without seeming to fish for compliments or pat yourself on the back too much. It's refreshing and awesome...like you

GreerAnn said...

For what it's worth, I think you are very pretty. :)

Nichole said...

thanks for this. i live in this duality too. . .

Coates Family said...

I think you're hot no matter what you think! And for the record, we all looked like crap, (in varying degrees) when we were in high school. I, for one, looked way worse than crap. Thank the Heavens most of us grow out of it and turn into reasonably decent adults that need not be banished from the public eye. Don't hate on yourself, you're great as is!

codik said...

SLAGATHOR!!! I can't stop laughing

Steph said...

Well at the risk of sounding super lesibianish... I think you are hawt.

I've said it... it's out there... we can move on.