Wednesday, September 30, 2009

the pie maker's problem

today's domestic deep and ponderous thoughts:

pie making involves a level of technical domestic wizardry that I have yet to master

can I make a decent crust?
you betcha, I can pastry blend with the best of 'em
can I roll said crust out?
again, affirmative

can I successfully transfer said rolled out crust to the waiting pie pan?
that would be a negative on that one ghostrider


After the dumb crust falls apart faster than my will power, I end up piecing the stupid thing together, getting pissed and eventually mashing it in there with my finger.
I've also been known to say certain swears and maybe once or twice have thrown uncooperative pie crust across the room.

It's feels good.
You should try it sometime.

And the lattice crust for the top? Not so much a piece de resistance as a piece de sad and pathetic, really just par for the course at this point.

I'm making it sound like this pie is a real train wreck. You should know by now, I have a real flair for the dramatic.

The reality of it is this: even though my pie crust is mashed together and some of it broke on the sides thanks to a heavy hand with the hot pads upon oven removal...and despite lattice work that could have been done better by a kindergartner with one hand

it still tastes amazing

in fact

I bet you wish you had a warm slice
(maybe some whip cream, little bit o' nutmeg spritzled on the top?)




(you're so predictable)

Further proof that the pursuit of perfection is just that, a pursuit.
So keep trying.
In the mean time, your less than perfect efforts taste just as good.

and that is what we call lowering the bar

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Nice Cans


it's Tuesday already?

I mean don't get me wrong, I like Tuesdays for the most part. I enjoy Wednesdays more, Thursdays are generally good, Fridays are terrif and Saturdays=yippie skippie but then the whole weekend goes too fast and we're back to Monday which is the worst day of the week can we all agree? So, in reference to my initial statement, if Ron Burgandy taught me anything, it was that a question mark can wield dangerous outcomes. So maybe I should change my tone and say,

Cripes, it's Tuesday already!

See, because of that exclamation point the entire inflection of that sentence has changed. Let us take a moment to give thanks for punctuation, even when used excessively and often times incorrectly by yours truly.

So anyways, yesterday the Nub and I hustled our way down to the land of Sanpete to spend the day with the Connie, my Stoopid sister and her red headed daughter too. We canned stuff, food storage style, stuff like salsa, applesauce, and pie filling. It was equal parts a learning experience and trip down memory lane for me because this time I actually helped willingly and dare I say eagerly as opposed to being forced out of bed at 8 am and complaining loudly for the entirety about how much I would rather be doing something else, like watching my recorded 90210 episodes or writing to the Leo DiCaprio fan club or whatever teenage girls in rural Wyoming did in their spare time because it was so long ago I've blocked it from my memory. Honestly mom, sorry about that. And p.s. thanks for the braces.

My mom has always canned. Every summer our food storage was reliably re-stocked with peaches, pears, green beans, salsa, pickles, beets, relish, jam and anything else that could be steamed, shoved in a jar and preserved until the end of eternity. And even though my sister and I were forced to be canning slaves every single summer of our childhood, it took until now for me to realize how absolutely satisfying all of that effort is. Seriously, I feel like Michael Phelps in the canning olympics, except I won't be taking bong hits and really I only canned for one day. But still, it was fun, and satisfying, and I extremely enjoy staring at the cans on my shelf and feeling proud, even though my mom and sister did most of the work. But still.

You know what else I wish could be canned and preserved forever (in a non hannibal lector way)? This juicy nugget:

Also, "Whip It" was good, not as good as "Juno" or "Arrested Development" (because Juno and Mayebe are both in this flick), but still good and I got a free t-shirt, bonus! I definitely think I could have a career in roller derby. Except I don't want any facial piercings or sleeve tattoos and I'd like to bathe regularly, so maybe that disqualifies me from consideration. I'll have to find out and get back to you on that one. Oh, and Kristin Wiig from SNL is in it too and Barrymore does indeed make some weird faces but I was totally expecting it this time so no big deal, and Kristin Wiig was fantastic. I just like her, a lot.

AND I've signed up for an 8 week writing class (community outreach!). I sort of feel like Veda Sultenfuss so let's hope I don't go getting a crush on my teacher, especially since I'm pretty sure it's a woman. That would be awkward.

I'm still debating between the fiction and non-fiction course, I have until next week to decide. Which do you think I should take and why?

Saturday, September 26, 2009

whip it real good


I am going on a date

with my shorter half

to see this flick

I am pee my pants excited.

Not for the weird faces Drew Barrymore makes. She is a weird face maker, remember Charlie's Angels? Weird Drew Barrymore faces, very distracting. Also distracting, Demi's uncommonly preserved goods. Practically bionic if you ask me.

I digress.

Oh my frakking mother hen, in an alternative universe I could be the most bad A** roller derby mama on the planet.

Am I right or am I right?

I'm right.

They should have asked me to be in this movie. I'm just saying. It would have been that much better.

And that is truth right there.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

this is not because I watched community college after the office

Yesterday's post was sort of lame, but don't think I'm saying sorry for it because I'm not, I'm just merely stating the obvious. I do that a lot you know, the whole internal monologue gone external. Some would say that's a character flaw, but I'm not entirely convinced.

A few weeks ago when I was packing up all of our junk in preparation for the big move I came across a bin full of notes and papers from my days at the BYU. I plopped my sweat pant clad hiney down on that cold basement floor and spent about 2 hours flipping through my junk and taking a memory walk down forever-ago lane. My butt eventually went numb and I headed back upstairs for some sustenance but those things that I'd written, those projects that I'd worked on, seeing them again sparked something. Something crazy I'm sure, but something nonetheless. I put it to the back of my head and got back to the business of packing and the reality that moving sucks!

Then last week I was talking with my sister (of the in-law persuasion), and we got to discussing all things about life and motherhood and basically everything in between. I don't know why but that always tends to happen when she and I get deep in conversation. She's very philosophically minded and introspective in her thought processes which is good for me because I have problems focusing on anything more than the pinchy waistband on my underwear (for the love of cheetos stop talking about your underwear Kalli!). Anyway, I usually hide from the deep thinkers of the world because thinking deeply requires a lot more mental effort that I'm not sure I possess anymore. Blame that sense of defeat on my daily interactions involving mostly one way conversations about poop with a 13 month old. Except my SIL has an 18 month old, and she's not brain dead, far from it!

She thinks deep, I can think deep, I just have to TRY! REMEMBER KALLI HOW YOU USED TO HAVE PROFESSORS ONCE? And you went to college and went through this long phase where you hated everyone and college itself and couldn't wait to be finished fast enough because BYU is full of dorks and you were certainly not that (except you were)?

Yes, you remember those days. I remember those days.

Ugh. I wish I'd tried harder. Both to like BYU more and to search out the things that really interested me instead of worrying about what fit my work schedule and how I could arrange it to spend as little time on campus as possible.

I'm getting to the point here I swear.

So I think I'm going to do it, begin the process of intellectualizing myself again. And this is an especially good thing because I'm pretty sure intellectualizing is not a real word. I'm not saying I'm running back to school full time, I'm just saying that maybe I'd like to take an online class or two.


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

sometimes it just happens like that

at the end of the day

if you laugh the good laughs, you know, the painful kind that steal your breath

if you sing songs to a sleepy thumb sucking baby

if you miss your shorter half because he's halfway across the country

if you feel excited that he might come home tomorrow

if you have a mini reunion with your dumb dog who smells like the back end of a horse and is so excited to see you that he practically has a seizure

if you eat beef stew for lunch and fajitas for dinner

if you bounce with midget children on a trampoline

if you sit under an open night sky exploding with stars

if you roast marshmallows on a bonfire and perfect the common s'more (try Carmellos!)

if you reminisce fondly with your sister about the days when you used to hate each other and feel glad things aren't the same

if you wash your face and feel more pleased with your reflection than before

if you know that tomorrow is pay day

if you know your mom will make you breakfast in the morning

then you know it's been a good day

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

why I don't work for maytag

ahhh blessed quiet

I need to make this quick because I don't even know what my deal is today. It's one of those days where you mope around in stretchy pants just because that's what you do, and trust me, I'm doing it.

The washer is down, it's one of those new fangled front loaders. I knew within 10 seconds of laying eyes on that complicated beast that we'd end up hating each other. Some things just shouldn't be computerized. Like washers. I just want to turn a knob and watch the clothes go washy washy and 30 minutes later come out clean. Not push 17 different buttons and get back talk instead. Nothing like a large appliance gone rouge to make you feel like an idiot.


I have big plans for later involving the post office, Costco and ground beef (Tuesday is taco night, fiesta!). I'm excited.

I hope you are too.

Happy Monday friends.

Monday, September 14, 2009



two weeks later I have returned

so what's cracking my homies?



we moved in a frenzied three days when we found renters for our place on Friday who needed to be in by MONDAY

Thanks be to the great I AM for providently gifting us the best family and neighbors on the face of the entire planet, who after an awkward foot-in-mouth moment from me (imagine that), came to the rescue and spent all day Sunday and Monday helping us move and pack and clean and generally give us reason enough to in-debt ourselves to them for the rest of eternity.

It magically came together. And that place was so frakking clean thanks to aforementioned slave labor that you could have no lie eaten your dinner off the dang floor.


We ferried belongings here and there and attempted to get "settled" into our new digs, just in time to pack up and head off on a little adventure to the great state of Pennsylvania. That's Steeler country to all you ignorant ones.

Family we did bunk with, food we ate, watched brother play a football game (win!) , but mostly we just lazed around and loved on the babies. 2 cousins 5 months apart=hilarity. I don't nearly get to see my brother, sister and little neph enough. It was a delicious few days of soaking in some hospitality.

and while we were there, guess who picked up a new trick?

that's my boy

on Heinz Field

wanna see some extreme cuteness? more Maggi magic HERE. you should hire her, like really.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

press pause


MLAK is going on a brief hiatus


we're moving (not far)
and in the middle of that
a short trip
and then back to more moving
my plate is full

Before long we'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming, so don't go running off to find another internet girlfriend in the meantime mmmkay?

also on hiatus:
Kalli gets her nature on
no hikes scheduled for the next 2 weeks
except maybe by then it won't be 90 flippin' degrees anymore
let us pray

peace out homies