Tuesday, January 27, 2009

{following up}

the world would be a better place if all babies wore headphones, no?


SO

the burger was amazing. yes.it.was.

and the 2.2 ell-bees came off ANYWAY

it was like the good Lord saying "kalli, i am mindful of you and your need to emotionally eat off a bad day. bless you my child. the burger is my gift". He is always mindful of my needs. yes He is.

i realize after i post rants like that that i probably make it sound a lot worse than it actually is. i promise you that i am still mostly mentally sound {except for that whole "i'm crazy" thing, that's just my every day}.

i am in the redecorating mood. because i need something. because i now hate winter and am ready for it to die {i forewarned you that this would happen so stop being all "remember when you wanted it to snow?"} i have spoken about this in depth with my internet lover natalie {she might just be my home decor sensei f.y.i.}. when the hub and i said our "i do's" however long ago i had no idea about decorating. i realize this in hindsight. nice that hindsight is 20/20. boo for hindsight! that or my tastes have finally branched out beyond the quilted bear where the other 90% of utahns shop to decorate their abodes. the problem is i am not crafty. not much. so i am new to this whole "eclectically decorating your home with your own clever recycling skills and awesome abilities to make over a piece of furniture and frame random things and somehow make it all look awesome". so i went to d.i. today in my first attempt at this. looking for old mirrors. because i have a vision apparently. the mirror thing, not so successful. i did, however, procure a toy box for the ripe old price of $25 {p.s. the hub once got into an argument with a d.i. manager over how they inflate their prices. it's like arguing that not everyone at the special olympics deserves a medal. i.swear.}. so i'll keep you updated. i now have a vision for the toy box. and it will be glorious.

GLORIOUS.

Monday, January 26, 2009

{blah blah blah}

today has been crap. and it's probably/very likely/okay i admit it/ all my fault. life is defeating me today so in an effort to fight back here it is:

to my nub: i'm sorry for putting a pillow over my head as you screamed in your swing while refusing to give into the dark side and take a freakin' nap. sometimes i feel bad that you got me as a mother. beause you are pretty much perfect (other than the whole nap strike thing) and i pretty much suck. on the flipside, thanks for taking a nap in your car seat when we got back from costco. that was nice. even though i'm paranoid and checked on you every 5 minutes.

to my spouse: i'm sorry for not laughing at your jokes on the phone this afternoon. i was in a bad mood. i'm feeling overwhelmed and inadequate and i'm sorry that this seems to be a recurring theme lately. i'm in the middle of throwing myself a pity party. this does not mean i love you any less. it just means that i need chocolate and a cherry coke. stat. and maybe another vacation to hawaii. yup, that'll do donkey.

to my house: you are covered in dust and have dirty dishes in the sink. my life would be a lot friggin' easier if you'd get this figured out and take care of it yourself.

to my car
: thank you for not smelling like gas anymore. i really hope that this was the last time for a long time that i have to take you back to the car doctor. it is nice to have you back even though driving around connie's mercury made me a babe magnet for the over 70 male crowd and who doesn't love that?

to weightwatchers
: i'm hungry. why can't i have a jcw's burger and still lose 2 lbs at my weigh in tomorrow? this is dumb.

to myself: tomorrow will be better so get over yourself. and that chocolate chip cookie you ate at lunch was totally worth it.

the end.

Friday, January 23, 2009

{carnival time yo}

this is the only time in my life you are ever allowed to call me a "carnie".

and all for my dear bloggy buddy sue. who is hilarious. and i love her. frills.

and i'm supposed to talk about something funny in honor of very funny friday. so instead i'm just going to direct you to the post below. Click HERE if you need a shortcut or if scrolling down is too hard for you. weirdos on craigslist. they amuse me.

SUUUUEEEEEEEEEEE i love YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Saturday, January 17, 2009

{only the lonely...}

people are weirdos

i don't know if i can emphasize this point enough

have you ever been on craigslist?

of course you have, you've probably sold your couch there or looked for a job, normal sorts of things.

or maybe you went scamming for chicks/dudes... if so and you read my blog please stop. you are a weirdo. and creepy.

i'm talking about "missed connections" on craigslist. a little feature where people can post their missed moment and desires to reconnect. a feature which i never knew existed until i read about it on someone else's blog. i can't even talk about how entertaining/disturbing these posts are. you need to look for yourself.

of course i will include a few excerpts:

here's one from Salt Lake:
title: PREGNANT TELLER AT THE CHASE BANK NEAR FOOTHILL VILLAGE
noticed you weren't wearing a ring, not sure if you are married or not but I thought you were beautiful and would love to get to know you.

uh dude, when you start scamming on pregnant chicks at the bank i think you've pretty much hit rock bottom. p.s. many pregnant women don't wear their rings thanks to all the swelling. even if she isn't married {gasp!} the fact that you "want to get to know her" is disturbing. p.p.s. stay away from babies r us and any or all OBGYN offices. p.p.p.s. EW.

my next favorite:
title: CUTE DRAPER TEMPLE ELEVATOR HOSTESS
I was taking the tour of the Draper temple, it was about 8pm-9pm on 1/16. You were in one of the elevators, I was in yellow shirt, black pants, with my friend who was in crutches. You warned me of the elevator door. You were in white blouse, black skirt, and had a lot of bracelets on your right wrist? Anyways, we kept eye contact and I thought you were really cute, but didn't want to take away from the Spirit. If you or a friend reads this, I'd like to talk to meet you, maybe I'll just have to take another tour.
Here's to hope,
Chad

dear chad,
being a douchebag detracts from the "spirit" so not hitting on her at that moment isn't going to earn you any points in heaven. don't get me wrong, it would have made for an AWESOME "how we met story". or not. you're a tool.

nextly:
title: MINI VAN HOTTIE CHECKING MY FRIEND AND I OUT BLACK HATS SILVER CAR (OREM CENTER ST TO PG EXIT)

You were checking my friend out in your mini van. We were both wearing black hats. You even licked your lips and that almost made my friend crash. We drove next to you in a silver car from orem center street till you got off the pleasant grove exit. It was too late at that point, dang we were both sad.

i need to make note that his was posted on both the Salt Lake and Provo craigslist. desperation... looks like 2 cornholes in a silver car.

there are so many more on there. i've honestly have spent the last 2 hours browsing, laughing and throwing up in my mouth a little. some people are really gross. and weird. and really just pathetic.

thanks for the entertainment craigslist.


ridiculous.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

{hey stoopid!}


happy two-nine big sis

i love you
and that beautiful red head of yours

since you weren't blogging last year i direct you to
THIS
your birthday post from 2008


-kisses and inappropriate butt grabs

love little sister

{on the job training}

and so, the saga of my blind foray into motherhood continues...

this whole "mommy" thing has NOT been the easiest of transitions for me even though i planned for the Nub. i worked hard for the Nub. i prayed and cried and gave blood for the Nub. i guess i just thought that the mothering aspect of things would come naturally and i'd know how to handle my own kid once he finally got here. i mean i have like 50 billion nieces and nephews, 100 trillion cousins and oh, i used to nanny for pity's sake. old pro=me.

except not so much.

sometimes {most of the time} i feel like it's my first day on the job and someone forgot to give me the instruction manual. even now, 5 months later, every day is something new. or something old, like the constant battle between mother and child that is sleep. once i feel like i've got a good grasp on things he throws me another curve ball. somedays i feel like i'd bargain with the devil if i could only have 20 friggin' minutes alone. i spend so much time on the phone with my mom asking questions and whining about how i don't know what i'm doing, hiding in the pantry talking in whispered tones. bless her, she is my salvation

it's the small victories that count. like today. after 2 weeks of nap boycott, the connie suggested i get out the swing and give it another go. and you know what, it worked. he's out. has been out for almost an hour. i could cry with joy.

motherhood and i, we'll be on the same page someday. before i know it i'll be the one dishing out advice on the other line while my own daughter tries to keep it together.

until then it's my turn to learn.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

{salvation, sort of}

friends
meet the gap skinny jean
i am now the proud owner of
1 pair
{dark wash of course, anything else is silly}


do they look amazing?
are they changing my life?

not so much
but let us remember that nothing looks amazing
when you need to drop a few ell-bees
{or 20}
i AM enjoying them with my boots
the denim muffin top is not so much
the flesh/fat muffin top is still full force

but NOT FOR LONG
{i hope}

day 3 of weight watchers party people
{hereinafter referred to as ww}
down 4 ell-bees {channeling TAMN apparently}
and subsequently STARVING
but i'll live
i'm just not used to NOT mowing down every bit of food in my path yet

anywho
want to visit my inspiration? than clicketh HERE
she is a beacon of thinness
a beacon i tell you

have a glorious weekend
i'm off to eat a celery stick {0 points!}


Monday, January 5, 2009

{trendy}

yeah i stole this pictureum, so i want to wear this
jeans with boots YES PLEASE
jeans with brown boots specifically
YES
YES
YES

except none of my jeans can be harnessed into any boot top without that silly muffiny part pillowing out. and lawdy knows we got enough muffin tops going on around here without my jeans joining the party. the solution: skinny jeans. except that they're skinny jeans. the fact that my thighs rub together {always have, always will} should effectively squash any dreams i have of looking like the model in that photo. stephmodo posted this little ditty and included a link with instructions on how to make-over your bootcut jeans into skinny jeans. am i ballsy enough to put my pathetic sewing skills to the test? am i willing to sacrifice a pair of my trusties? what if it looks horrible and then i'm out a regular pair of jeans on top of being skinny-jeans-less? would you do it? or do i hate you because you already look AWESEOME in skinny jeans and of COURSE you wear them tucked into your lovey brown boots while you kick about town weighing 110 lbs {or less. you exist, i know you do, i almost hit you with my car in the target parking lot today ON PURPOSE}...

i'm tall. i'm thick through the hips and aforementioned thighs that rub {and middle, and ribcage, and shoulders, okay so maybe i'm just thick shut-up}. do the magic jean gods have anything to offer a girl like me?

maybe i need to just let this die and realize that i spend 99% of my day in sweatpants anyway.

reality folks, it's a betch