wherein I take a moment to ponder the cosmos

Sometimes I have these intermittent flashes of introspection. You know, where I think deeply about my current direction in life and wonder why the heck the waistband on my undies is so tight (bad design right?). Because my direction in life and the tightness of the elastic on my underwear are certainly symbiotic, or at the very least, directly related. Also realized during one of my moments, I use too many comments in my sentences (,). This could be because I need a refresher course in punctuation and basic English (I forget all the time the difference between a noun and a verb and don't even ask me to tell you what a preoposition is. Mad Libs are like my worst nightmare). I did gain my early education in rural Wyoming after all. So what have we learned here? When all else fails, blame it on Wyoming.

Back to the point.

In one of these pondering sessions I came to the conclusion that I'm rather selfish and sort of a scaredy cat.

I am.

Maybe it's because I'm the youngest child, maybe it's because I have innate narcissistic tendencies, maybe it's because I spent my adolescence and early college years feeling like (and slightly resembling??) Sloth from Goonies. Let's be real, there could be a lot of reasons why I am the way I am. The truth of it is that somewhere along the line I've developed this ridiculous sense of entitlement regarding all things that generally make me feel better about myself and my current lot in life, and I like to use those things to hide how insecure I really am on the inside.  Entitlement is never good, neither is insecurity so these small personality flaws have generally got to go.  

The first step to positive change is admitting you have a problem and I believe I have accomplished just that. If not voluntarily than sort of by force. The last few months have resulted in a bit of a wake up call after being knocked down a few notches on the proverbial high horse ladder. It's been painful, not fun, a bit awkward at times, but mostly necessary.

Gaining a sense of self awareness, as it turns out, is a process and a messy one at that.

I'm still working on it, probably will be for life judging on how long it's taken me thus far. But from what I've experienced so far, I've come to know this:

Change is hard. Realizing and owning my many imperfections is hard. Life is hard.

"Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better." -King Whitney Jr.

I want to be confident in my ability to climb these mountains in life rather than to sit at the bottom and complain about how hard it looks.  I want to see more than myself, feel the conviction of hope and the excitement that change can bring.

I can do it. And it's okay to feel entitled and a little bit insecure about that all at the same time, right?  

Right.  

Also, I  want to take less than 3 hours to write a serious blog post.  Blurgh  This is why I stick to fat jokes and potty humor.  

p.s. I still haven't solved my underwear elastic problem.  That is one mountain I don't think I'll ever climb.  At least not the way Miley Cyrus tells me to.