Friday, February 20, 2009

{dig a deeper hole of embarrassment}

SO {do you realize how many posts i begin with this word?}

one of my internet lovers, except we're friend IRL now, so are we still internet lovers?? i'm getting off topic here. anyway, sue, her name is sue. i'm sure you know her from her hilarious and slightly paranoid blog naval gazing at it's finest. today is her weekly very funny friday post and she asked me to talk about all the guys i'd kissed before hub came into the picture. except that we've already covered that topic here at MLAK.

i will, however, tell you about my first real kiss which is even more humiliating then the fact that i can't really remember how many guys i've kissed in the first place. and to top it off, people from my home town who actually knew me back then now read this blog. let's all hold hands and re-live this moment together mmmkay?

to set the scene...

it was a balmy may evening, all of my friendies {boys AND girls, ooooooooh} were at my house after the last day of school for a little "end of the year" partay/bbq. we had just finished up 6th grade. i hadn't yet made the complete transformation into slagathor the snaggle toothed eyebrow beast, though things had certainly been set in motion. the connie was a gracious host to all of us mid-pubescent idiots running amuck around the ranch house, laughing about who knows what and just generally being stupid. 6th graders are just that way, you know? my dad even let us have a bonfire. my parents=awesome. anyway, a couple of recently graduated 7th graders decided to crash the party including my on again/off again "boyfriend". we'll call him giant nose, because he really did have a giant nose. who crashes a party full of kids younger than you? maybe that should have been my first clue? I DIGRESS.

we all decided to engage in a game of hide and seek, the ranch house and surrounding property being a perfect setting for such dilly dally. i hid with giant nose in a willow tree back behind the garage, we held hands, it was sweaty. after no one found us we decided to give up the jig and were walking back towards the house when giant nose decided now would be a good time to lay one on me. so he did. being my first kiss i had no idea what was going on. he shoved his tounge in my mouth, so i shoved mine back in his mouth. EWWWWWWW!!! it was not pleasant. i remember thinking, really? tounges are gross! i kind of want to puke! is it over?

then he and his friend left, party over. i was relieved.

the next morning my parents left to go run errands and my best friend and i were hanging out in the kitchen after breakfast when the phone rang. it was giant nose, calling to say hello. we chatted for a bit when he said

so, um, about last night...

me {silent} uh huh

was that your first time doing that? french kissing?

me{dying inside} uh no, why?

no reason, i mean, nevermind

me {still dying, gesturing to my friend and fanning my face with embarrassment} yeah okay um i have to go. and i hung up the phone and laughed/died a little bit inside with my friend for 30 minutes about how awkward that was.

me and big nose broke up soon after. maybe it was because i was a bad kisser, or maybe it was because HE was. either way, i think that moment alone is responsible for my extensive kissing history, it had to be better than that so i was out to prove it. so thanks big nose. i guess you were good for something, and it certainly wasn't french kissing.

THE END

if you're feeling bold then please share with me your own first kiss experience. i hope it was just as bad as mine. that's just how first kisses go.

and sorry mom, you should probably not ever have to read this crap but i am your daughter so you should be used to this type of stuff.

ONE OTHER NOTE, i just realized that it was at the end of 7th grade, not 6th grade, that one year sure makes a difference.

HAPPY WEEKEND EVERYONE!! we're headed to the rv show tomorrow with the connie and my dad. party!!

26 comments:

Fig said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
*shannon said...

UGH. First kisses are the worst. My first kiss - The guy was totally hot and I should have known better because I saw him a week later and he was all "What's your name again?" Yeah. So traumatizing.

Mike and Nikki said...

Ok. slagathor the snaggle toothed eyebrow beast has got me laughing so hard. I totally was that. Why the heck didn't anyone introduce me to tweezers? Or was I just proud? I can't remember. Oh and my first kiss story is just too lame to even tell. but thanks for your funny story!

The Cole's said...

Ok- I'm dying. . . your hillarious. My first kiss was a lot like yours. . except I was older of course :) I was standing outside his house- he awkwardly made the move towards me - my eyes were closed- i opened them just a little to see what was coming at me, only to see him with his tongue already hanging out. He licked me/kissed me. . . ugh. I said "ewwww". . . and got in my car. We didn't date much longer after that. To this day, if I see him I get grossed out. . . By the way. . . who is this "big nose" would I know him?

Fig said...

Okay, I posted mine. It's not as funny as yours, mostly because it doesn't involve TONGUE-KISSING IN THE SIXTH GRADE?

I too was rolling in the aisles over "Slagathor the snaggle-toothed eyebrow beast."

We should have been un-tweezed high school friends.

Catherine said...

Hi Kalli! Thanks for entering my contest...you won! Would you email me your address so I can get this off to you? Thanks! :)

Kalli Ko said...

YES MORE MORE MORE!!

the eyebrows, i am sensing a common theme here. good to know i am not alone.

merilee i'm sure you probably know him but I WILL NEVER REVEAL!

Britt said...

With Everyone else sharing, it brought back some hilarious memories. First Kiss- Oh, like it was yesterday. Scene- his truck. Time- 3:00 am. Talking. His dad called to yell at him. He had to go. I was getting out of the truck, I went to hug him, and he kiss/missed me. I didn't even participate. I was totally the dead fish. So awkward. We didn't even say anything to each other. It's hard to recreate the tension, but it was so tatlly weird from then on. Like, "Did we? or not" HAhaha.
Kal, you kill me.

Rochelleht said...

I'm thinking Connie is wishing she had never let you have the bonfire...

compulsive writer said...

I don't dare post (my kids and their friends read my blog), but my first kiss was amazing, but the second one (different boy--I was pretty much a love-em-n-leave-em kind of girl) was humiliating. The guy was really tall and he kiss my nose, not my mouth. Ugh!

McKelle said...

That's awesome. First kisses are so fun. Mine was in my basement. I had been SO nervous for "the first kiss". When it finally happened (with a boy not even an inch taller than me - ugh) I didn't move, then I told him that it sucked, he left, and I'm pretty sure we never talked again.

Ashley said...

Can't stop laughing about slagathor and Big Nose. Thanks for making my day! lol. Still laughing...

Sue said...

HA! HA HA HA HA! I'm so glad you shared. (My mom wasn't all that thrilled with my post either. Heh.)

Jill said...

So Kalli I never comment, I'm just an avid reader from back at home, and I must admit that I'm dying to know who "big nose" is! My first experience happened behind the "new gym" at lunch in the 6th grade (seems to be the age). It must have been an exhibitionist moment because we must have had an audience. When we got back to class someone had written about the act on Mrs. Crawfords classroom board. What a moment, thanks for prompting me to remember, yikes!!

Shar said...

That was so so so funny!!! I'm dying.

My first kiss was at a stake dance when I was 13 (my dad said I could go, even though you have to be 14). It was awful. And he was 17 (why the hell was he kissing a 13=year-old?) Oh, probably because he didn't know I was 13. He was a bad kisser. You'd think he would have been good at 17. After that, I avoided him like the plague. And did what you did and had to kiss a LOT of guy to make up for it.

jolyn said...

I pretty much want to know who "big nose" was. I have some idea... but... plus, I thought that your first kiss was behind that tween hangout place in G-town(you know, at that party where we were both sung to by our "boyfriends"!!)during our 7th grade year. Maybe that was somebody else...

Kalli Ko said...

jolyn i am vaguely remembering this... you moved away after 7th grade year, no? i remember the teen center for sure. but not who i kissed.

did you come to my end of the year party? i had them after 6th and 7th grades i think. it was maybe the only time i was ever cool.

Sarah said...

hey slags...so funny! Mine was also in the 7th grade...i think...maybe 6th. The boy's name was Brooke...should have known from that. :) He totally tongued me and all I remember was how much slobber there was...like I needed a towel! it was that bad! nasty. we broke up 2 days later...right before his football game. :)

Melanee Raynes said...

I'm scared to say when my first kiss was. Don't worry that yours was in 7th grade, mine was much younger and I ain't proud of it.

jolyn said...

I can't remember who you kissed either, plus, even if I did, I wouldn't further your humiliation. :-) I can remember coming to one of your end of the year parties, probably 6th grade. You were way cooler than all of those hoochies in our grade. Seriously.

Trisha said...

Pretty sure my first kiss was when I was 16 and I grabbed the boys face and started kissing it. I had been trying to drop hints for weeks - like everytime he kissed my hand I would say, "Geese, I'm getting really jealous of my hand!" No good. I had to be pro-active and go in for the kill myself:)

Tanya said...

I love it! My first kiss with tongue was not until 10th grade and other than not knowing what the heck I was doing it wasn't to embarrasing. The first time a boy kissed me, no tongue, was in fourth or fifth grade. Every weekend I went rollerskating in G-town with my friends and there was this boy (Terry) that was always there. I think he lived in Burlington so he was just my and rollerskating boyfriend. One weekend when skating was over and we were taking off our skates he had my friends hold me still while he gave me a big kiss on the lips. I wanted to die! And then when we got in the car my friends told my mom all about it. So funny looking back, but I remember thinking my world might end at the time.

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

What I really want to know is how you and Sue could POSSIBLY get together without inviting me. Do you have any idea how powerful we'd be if we combined all of our super powers? Apparently not. All I can say is, we would be Charlie's Angels and I'd be Drew Barrymore.

danielandjamaica said...

Too funny. First of all... Tell Connie her neighbor Vern (the retired hearing aide guy) was in my neighborhood this week aeriating lawns so he did ours and we got to talking and you guys were our connection.
First kiss 8th grade, under the stage during play rehersal (that I didn't get to be in due to Washington D.C. trip- sorta bummed at the time becuase my boyfriend was in it with me) I remember it was all on one side of my mouth and then I ran off to basketball practice on could 9! We never did it again, and I never suspected that it was his first too. Who would initiate that as a first timer themselves? Anyway, we were talking our Senior year and I found out it was his first too. I probably still would have virgin lips if he hadn't kissed me!

Lance&Nance said...

I hope you see this comment Kalli. Thank you for your cute gifts for baby John. Lance adores the onesie with the headphones on it and I love the burpcloths, you're so crafty! I hope our little boys can have a play date some day.

-Nancy

Monica M said...

My first kiss was terrible. He nearly broke neck- it was back and forth. I could never post this on my blog.